The hangover: fashion

It's the day after the Oscars. I'm back at my house, having spent Sunday night in Boston with my parents, my sister-in-law, and her dog and cat. Thatcher and Aries had more interest in the goings-on than my father did; he played on the computer for several hours.

Well? I'm glad the season is over. I simply couldn't get excited. The fashion disappointed, too ... except that it had sartorial images about which I could be passionate about in a negative manner.

Let's start with the preshow. Someone needs to hire me. I'm smarter than Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic, I wouldn't use Botox like Lisa Rinna, and I wouldn't need as much makeup as Regis Philbin. Unlike Joan and Melissa, I know who people are. Sure, viewers at home wouldn't have as much to make fun of, but then again, there's always the clothes.

I saw more shades of red than I did in Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. Ugh! Katherine Heigl must learn to break out of the "old Hollywood glamour" rut. (She also needs to go on a long vacation to Mars, but that's for another rant.) Helen Mirren's ruby was different, but then she had these hideous SWAROVSKI-ENCRUSTED SLEEVES. My favorite red was on the 83-year-old Ruby Dee. She described herself as a "tall, slim glass of Merlot." With a long-sleeved jacket and dress accented with a thin silver belt buckle, I couldn't agree more.

I'm hard-pressed to come up with a "best dressed." Some actresses came close. For example, Keri Russell looked so pretty and refreshing in a blush-colored gown that didn't wash her out thanks to an ornate necklace. However, the train was too long, and she had no idea how to walk in her dress. Anne Hathaway had lovely hair and makeup - I want her ponytail for my friend's wedding in August - but the rosettes on the breasts were just too much. Jessica Alba's plum and Cate Blanchett's midnight blue were stunning colors, but neither Mommy-to-Be's dress really did it for me. However, both were better than fellow maternity ward member Nicole Kidman, blah in black with way too many long, thin strands of something that resembled blinged-out silver tree branches.

I guess my favorite looks were from Amy Ryan, in a navy one-shoulder Grecian look (VERY Calvin Klein), and Laura Linney (simple black dress and blond hair, because she built the outfit around an eye-catching pendant necklace).

Too much hairspray: Hilary Swank and Heidi Klum. Too little hairspray: Jennifer Garner (Liz thought removing hair out of her face would have made the difference) and Cameron Diaz. In the words of my friend Susan from last year's Oscars, "Cameron, buy a brush." I'd also advise Cameron to get a better tailor, as I saw her adjust her bodice twice in the first 30 seconds, and my mother feared a wardrobe malfunction. What the heck happened to her hair???: Renee Zellweger (who couldn't walk in her dress, either).

Finally, we had the trifecta that I'll call Gills, Hefty, and the Circus. It seems Marion Cotillard took the mermaid thing literally. Sure, her dress was white, but it had scales! She looked like a fish! People, couture does not translate to the red carpet. Then there's Tilda Swinton. She said she's never even seen the Oscars on TV, but that's no excuse for showing up in something out of a Missy Elliott video from 10 years ago. Even George Clooney's Batman and Robin codpiece would have been better than that one-shoulder oversize garbage sack. Finally, we have the scariest-looking person of the night, Daniel Day-Lewis' wife. Every time I look at her, I see something else to terrify me: striped shoes, the plastic-looking buttons, the bows, the crushed velvet. Meanwhile, her husband the award winner is no better. I just realized he's wearing brown boots. I believe they are suede. They look like bedroom slippers.

To see pictures and vote, follow the link to USA Today:
http://www.usatoday.com/life/default.htm